This year has to be a step forward

I have to say I have lived a very hard, confusing life. Please do not take that statement wrong, as there is no part of my life I would change for the world. It has taught me many wonderful, powerful things I could not have managed to be here today without.
My parent's were both great people. My parents divorced when I was 3 years old. I dont recall much of the divorce, but only the abuse that took place. I wont go into detial on that as I dont know enough about it to. However, my dad passed away when I was 14 due to a blood clot that went to his brain. It was very hard and at the age of 14 I felt much anger. I was mad at the world for several years. This caused many problems towards my mom and sister. I was always very rude to my mother, and my sister when it was not necassary at all.
I felt as I was always with my dad, and in my eyes he done no wrong, that there was no reason for him to be gone from me. I later realized alot, and that God had a plan for us all. I spent alot of time with my grandparents (Moms mom and dad), and it was my safe place. My grandmother was my soft place to land, and grandpa was my best friend. I followed him around everywhere he went. He was a mechanic and from the age of 3-4 I can recall following him around the shop helping him work on cars. Needless to say it was great because now I work on my own vehicles.
Grandpa passed away in 1998, and I again did not understand it. Why was this happening all over again. My dad was a big part of my life as a child, as he took me hunting, fishing, and done things with me I liked to do. Unfortunately that was only when he had time. Most of his time was consumed in the world of beer drinking, and his beer buddies. Dont take me wrong. He never abused, mistreated me, or any of that. There was just times he felt those things were important to him. I do have to give him credit in knowing if he was planning on having a beer he would call for someone to come get me first. Dad would have been sober for 3 years if he would have lived 3 more months. God bless him for that. So with this being said my grandad was more of my daddy. Since dad passed at such a young age, and grandpa had never let me down, and always been there. Grandpa never drink, but he smoked camel cigarettes until the dr told him he had to put them down, and he did. Grandpa was a very honest business man, christian, husband to my grandmother for 52 years, and a father. He was an all american guy. Grandpa and I became even more closer after dad passed. I felt a warmth being with grandpa, and he never didnt want me there. He was lost without me I felt. Everyday I got home from school his face would light up to my presence, and that melted my heart. Unfortunately we lost grandpa in 1998 to a blood clot in his heart. It was very hard. I refused to go into that ER room and see him gone. Thankful to a very close family friend who told me she was afraid I would regret it later, I went in and said my peace to him, and I am so thankful to her now for that. I also have to remind myself of a time that meant so much to me and still does to this day. The evening we went to the funeral home for my dads visitation I could barely walk, function, etc. I had spent 2 days in bed with refusal to get up. I rode to the visitation with grandma and grandpa. I was there around 20 minutes until I felt I could not handle my friends walking up telling me how sorry they was anymore. I appreciated the concern, but it was just a horrid reminder of what was exactly going on. I spent a few minutes talking with dad, but it just didnt feel right. Grandpa could tell I felt very distraught and out of place. I went to him and just bawled my eyes out. I lost it. Remind you I was 14 years old and Im far from skinny. I am not fat but I am tall and built big. But grandpa pick me up, carried me out of there, and put me in the car. He drove me home, walk me to bed, and sit on my bed and talk with me. Layed beside me and just listen. Oh if I could just go back to that moment one more time I would make sure he knew just how much that meant to me. It was a very precious memory, and always will be.
So I picked back up on life after grandpa passed. It was hard, but I dealt with it better than anything I had yet. I moved in with my grandmother after this and we made some precious memories together. She was and is still my angel. That woman was like no other. She taught sunday school for 47 years. She cared for her sick grandmother, and mother, sister, and brother. God bless her for that. I remember her telling me one day she felt like she had spent her life taking care of others, but wouldnt trade it for the world because thats who she was. Boy was she right. She loved to buy for others, care for others, and never worry of her own issues.
To be continued....